The Ten Year Wait (Part 2): Still Waiting

In The Ten Year Wait I shared just some of the journey God has taken me on in the last 10+ years as I sought, and continue to seek, His perfect will & purpose for my life.

But throughout that journey, there has been a second wait; an often more painful and difficult one. Namely, the wait for a husband.

Just like many of my peers, I have always had a desire to be married and to raise a family. But, unlike many of my peers, I am still waiting to see that desire fulfilled.

As a teenager, I (for reasons I can no longer recall!) considered 24 years old as the ideal age to get married. I had it all planned out – it would give my husband & I a couple of years for us to settle into marriage then I’d pop out two or three kids before I hit the big 3-0.

But here I am – 30 years old and single. No boyfriend, no husband, and certainly no kids.

Yet I’m the happiest and most content I’ve ever been.

Here are just some of the lessons I’ve learned so far:

Closed doors are a blessing. Oh, so many closed doors! A couple of (short-lived) relationships, countless crushes and many, many tears later, I am unimaginably thankful for the way God has protected my heart and comforted me through the confusion, hurt and impatience of the past ten years. These experiences, though far from enjoyable at the time, have shaped me and guided me (often reluctantly!) and have played an essential part in this decade of waiting.

Single people should be encouraged, not pitied. I can’t begin to tell you how irritating it is to have well-meaning marrieds ask me why I’m still single or reassure me that it’ll be my turn next. Please don’t ‘label’ me or assume it’s the only thing on my mind! In the past it would take every ounce of me to reach a place of peace (not true contentment, but part-way there at least) about being single to then have someone else raise the issue with me and immediately knock my confidence and cause me to spiral back into insecurities again. The more others saw my singleness, the more I felt it. And it felt like inadequacy.

Marrieds, pray for singles – that they would find their spouse, by all means, but also that they would be content in the meantime – hang out with them, introduce them to others (without making it awkward, please!), encourage them in their walk with God, help them to identify and nurture their gifts, and don’t overlook or disregard them (whether unintentionally or not).

Use your time as a singleton well. You only get one chance at life so don’t sit around waiting for marriage (or a promotion, or a pay rise, or a baby, or whatever). Life doesn’t start when you get married, it started the day you were born. The longer you wait, the more time you waste. Jesus saved us so we could live an abundant life! Oh, how I wish I had applied this truth sooner.

Travel. Make memories. Buy that house, that car, that pet. Read books, delve into the Word of God, enjoy a range of hobbies. Become interesting. Then when you meet someone you like, you’ll have far more to talk about.

Everyone’s journey is unique.  Embrace your journey, don’t resent it. Don’t compare yourself to others. I’ve been there, believe me. I used to look at married friends thinking I needed to be more like them because clearly they were ‘marriage material’ and I was not. I thought I needed to be prettier, funnier, thinner, holier, more spontaneous, fun… the list goes on. But after many years I began to realise that God had a different purpose for me; a different path to walk, different challenges to face, different lessons to learn. And I found joy in the creativity of my Father and the one-of-a-kind story He writes for each one of us.

The desire for a spouse is a good desire. The Bible clearly states that it is good for a man and woman to be united in marriage. But many singles who express their desire for a spouse are, sometimes unfairly, labeled ‘desperate’. Don’t be ashamed of your desire for a spouse, but also be careful not to place that desire above your passion to worship and serve God.

Learn to be romanced by God. And this by far has been the best and most liberating lesson! To be loved, pursued and accepted by the Heavenly Father far exceeds anything an earthly spouse could ever offer. Only God can meet our deepest desires and needs – it would be unfair on our spouse to expect that from them – we must always seek Him to fill this void. And as we continue to draw closer to God, we are better equipped to enter into a loving, giving, serving earthly relationship when the time comes.

I continue to wait for my husband with great anticipation, trusting God to prepare us both and to unite us in His timing. But regardless of my marital status, my far greater desire is to know God more deeply and more intimately, serving Him and bringing Him glory in all that I do.

No Longer a {Control} Freak

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I’m a control-freak.  Well, at least I used to be.

My sanity revolved around carefully constructed plans, determined to the smallest detail, with every possible outcome weighed and accounted for.  And if not?  Fear reigned.

Because of this, I used to think that being so organised and reasoned in my thinking was a poor character trait.  But what I’ve since realised is that it is not the skill itself (indeed, a God-given gift) that is negative, but the attitude and reasoning behind it.

My motive for considering every detail had always been control, whether I had realised it or not.  I liked to be prepared so, naturally, I needed to examine every possible outcome so that I could prepare for it.  However, any deviation in my plan would render me stressed and anxious. That anxiety would manifest itself in a variety of ways – trouble sleeping; repeatedly playing out various scenarios over and over in my head; rehearsing conversations if I anticipated conflict and confrontation; tension in relationships… essentially, just driving myself crazy!

The funny thing was, I was never in control to begin with.  By desiring to control, I had essentially put myself in God’s role (no wonder I experienced so much anxiety!)  At the root of the desire to control I was simply stating, “my ways are better than God’s ways.”  Ouch.

My need to control situations – whether good or bad – was exhausting and sapped me of all my energy.  And it all came to a head in July last year.

For months I had been trying to control the various areas of my life – work, relationships, church – leaving me so drained that I was simply now running on maintenance mode and doing my best to avoid a crash.

I gave what I could at work, but I felt frustrated and ready to give up.

I was selfish in my relationships, only looking for what I could get out of them.

My attendance at church dropped, and I began to resent the ministries I was serving in.

The voices in my head condemned me for my failing attitudes and told me I was no longer good enough to serve God like I had once hoped I would.  I was now out-of-control, and I had never felt so anxious and lost.  But, thank God, He had not let go.  I had a weekend away booked – to Germany, as it happens – and He met me there in a very real way.

The weekend began like any other short break – laughs with friends, good food, a bit of sight-seeing, sitting in the sun – but what I really needed – rather, what my soul was craving – was time alone with God.

That Sunday afternoon, 3rd July 2016, I released my need to control and accepted something so much greater – the knowledge and true belief that God could be trusted.

As I sat and listened to worship music, journaled, read my Bible, and poured out my heart to God – the honest, vulnerable, uncensored cries – He began to overwhelm me with His acceptance and love.  As I reflected on the weeks and months past, I started to recognise answered prayers that I had been too blind and distracted to see at the time.  Despite feeling alone, I identified God’s quiet, consistent presence; His gentle hand steering me through some of my darkest days.  As I sat that day, staring up at the grey cloudy sky, I experienced real rest in His presence and the inner turmoil I’d felt in the preceding months began to melt away.

That summer I embarked on an exciting rediscovery of God’s kind nature – His love, forgiveness, acceptance, and faithfulness.  As I relinquished control of my own circumstances and simply sought to know my Heavenly Father more, my anxiety dissolved and my passion was reignited.

Prayer suddenly became my first line of defence, not a last resort.  I let go of my need to control because I knew the One who was truly sovereign over all things.  I knew He loved me more than I could ever imagine and therefore His plans for me were good and would not lead to disaster.

I no longer needed to feel prepared for whatever situations I faced – whether anticipated or not – because I trusted God to meet every need in every outcome.  I still had to be a good steward of what He gave me, and I reinstated disciplines to help me as I sought to be more Christ-like, but the best way to prepare for any outcome, I realised, is to consistently and entirely depend on God.

In the months since that revelation of true rest, my perspective has been completely transformed and His peace is what now guides me.  In relinquishing control I’ve experienced a new freedom; my once mundane and highly regimented daily routine is now viewed through the eyes of an Indiana-Jones-like adventurer, anticipating all the surprises God has in store for me every single day!  I have made it a priority to replicate often the atmosphere of that cloudy day in Germany so that my eyes remain fixed on Jesus, and not distracted by the circumstances around me.  I am still organised – yes.  I still make plans – of course.  But I am no longer seeking to control the outcomes of these plans like I once did because I rest assured in God’s sovereign purposes for my life and know that, no matter what I face, He is the answer that I need.