So Why am I Here Again?

It can be easy to look at the everyday, mundane nature of life and ask ourselves this very question.

I remember reading a book in school that described people in the “rat race”. People going to and from their work and daily lives,  like a swarm of mice going back and forth, back and forth, without taking the time to stop, take a breather and ask the question: “so why am I here again?”.

My name is Lolu and I’ve always been a person focused on keeping the main thing the main thing. For example, when I was at uni, my focus was on learning the specific things that I needed to know to pass my exams and get a good grade. Rather than studying everything under the sun that I had been taught on my course, because let’s be honest, not everything you learn will show up in your exam. Likewise, when someone asks me a question, I focus in on answering the exact question they’ve asked – focused on being as accurate as possible, rather than beating around the bush. As I said, I keep the main thing the main thing.

So when I ask the question “so why am I here again?”, I’m interested in understanding exactly what I need to do in life to fulfil my purpose.  Because if we are not fulfilling our purpose, then what’s the point of life? Like really, what’s the point?……. There is no point.

So let’s see what the creator has to say about it.

In Genesis 1:26 we see God saying “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us.”

It’s like when people desire to have kids. Children resemble their parents; often have similar attributes to their parents; and are the fruit – the legacy of their parents’ lives. So when God created us in his image, to be like him, he created us to be his children – in relationship with him, reflecting his character.

God’s character is love. In fact God is love (1 John 4:8). He loves on us and we are an expression of his love in the world.

As God’s love is revealed to the world through us, people are drawn into relationship with Him. Therefore THEY become God’s children – reflecting His love and so the cycle continues… Just like generations in a family.

What is in your hand?

So let’s talk more about this expression of God’s love through us. God created each of us different and unique with different life experiences, abilities, passions, talents, personalities etc, so that we can express his love to the world in different ways.

So my question to you is the same as God’s question to Moses in Exodus 4:2 in the Bible: “What is that in your hand?” In Exodus, God was referring to the staff that Moses was holding. Moses would ultimately end up using this very staff – insignificant though it may have initially seemed – to perform miracles, demonstrating God’s power. So when I ask what is in your hand, I am asking, what do you have at your disposal? i.e. What experiences have you had in life? What is going on in your circle of influence or community? What are your abilities/ gifts/ talents? What are you passionate about?  What moves you? What are the needs around you? What is your personality like?

Whatever it is, start there. Do SOMETHING. God wants to use it to express His love to the world through you.

Build and cultivate your relationship with God. As you do that, God’s Holy Spirit will reveal to you more about who you are and, as you journey with Him, He will guide you into what He wants you to do and will help you to refine, tweak or change accordingly. He will also BRING opportunities to you. Just be available to receive God’s love and for God to use you to show His love to the world.

So Lolu, what is in YOUR hand?

And this is the question I had to ask myself and my God in late 2016.

So let’s take inventory of me and my world and identify what is in MY hand (because I need to practice what I preach right?!)

1) I am a Nigerian chick who grew up in Scotland and I am single… so much to say, so little time!

2) And in my singleness I love to enjoy life and live a full and purposeful life – I volunteer, I travel, I socialise, I’m a corporate manager and I love to put an outfit together (because unlike Beyonce, I did NOT wake up like this).

3) I see women around me who are also single… but are so unhappy. And as a single woman I have also gone through times where I needed some encouragement as well.

4) I think that living the life you were created to live is what life is about and that this is what brings fulfilment.

5) I  have a natural ability and confidence for communicating with people.

6) I am truthful and transparent about my own life. Because after all, being fake never helped anyone.

7) And last but certainly not least, I love Instagram.

So with that mixture of ‘stuff’ “in my hand” and after many conversations with God,  I started The OTM Collective in June 2017.

The OTM Collective is a social media driven movement that encourages and inspires single women to “own this moment”, live their best lives and flourish in their God given purpose during this season of their lives.

The question I am constantly asking women on The OTM Collective Instagram stories, posts and videos is “single ladies, what are you doing with your single season?” After all, life doesn’t just begin when you get the ring. It begins way before that – regardless of how long a person’s single season might be!!

God wants us all to live full and purposeful lives NOW regardless of whether we are married or single. There is plenty that He wants to do in and through us on this earth. He also wants us to use this time to become the best version of ourselves, dealing with our insecurities, bad habits and mindsets. And to form healthy behaviours, healthy mindsets and build up a great relationship with Him.

This is what we talk about on The OTM Collective, with topics ranging from “live your best life in 2018” right through to “sexual habits of a single woman”. I try to be as real, authentic and transparent as possible about where I am on my journey so that others can also be freed to be real too and can therefore collide in a real way with the grace, love and power of a very real God.

For more from me check out The OTM Collective on:

Instagram:  http://www.instagram.com/ theotmcollective

Facebook: http://www.facebook. com/theotmcollective

YouTube: Search for The OTM Collective: https://bit.ly/ 2rxthaD

So now it’s over to you. What is in YOUR hand?

The Depth of a Hug

In 2014, I participated in a four-month Internship with Metro World Child in New York City.  The experience was one of the most challenging, exhausting, but rewarding of my life thus far.  But one instance, one moment left a crack in my heart like no other during those months.

Every Saturday I rode Bus 19 to bring kids to and from Metro Christian Center for Indoor Sunday School.  The ride was short but chaotic with up to 60 kids ranging from 3 years to 13 years old, all scrambling for attention.  I have to admit it was not a time I particularly looked forward to in my week.

And every week a young girl, around eleven years old, got on our bus looking sour-faced and edgy.  Without fail I would utter the same instructions to her multiple times every bus ride: “sit back in your seat”, “stop screaming”, “back away from [insert child’s name here]” and so on.  And without fail, I received the same responses: she argued back, she stomped her feet, she folded her arms tightly as she threw herself aggressively back into her seat.

That particular day was no different.  If anything, she was even tenser.  She clearly struggled to manage her anger and the slightest thing could set her off; I believe that day she was triggered because someone else had sat next to her.  Regardless, we had the same verbal to-and-fro all the way to Sunday School.  But I knew that the same offensive strategy would continue to produce the same results so, on the journey home, I decided it was time to switch my approach.

She had just been told off for the umpteenth time and had done the obligatory cross-armed throw-back into her seat.  But this time she began punching the seat she was sitting on and I knew it was only a matter of time before her fists moved from upholstery  to flesh.

I quietly walked towards her, put my hand on her back, and said in her ear, “gimme a hug.”

It could have gone either way, really; I wasn’t sure how she’d react.  She could have made me her punching bag instead.  But, as hoped, she lowered her arms and allowed me to hug her.  I held her tightly for a couple of seconds then let her go, patted her on the back, and took a step back, thinking disaster had been averted.

But almost immediately, the other girl seated behind her who had been previously taunting her started up again.  And so did the Rambo routine.

I bravely tried my new strategy again.  More confident, this time, when I asked and, sure enough, she allowed me to hug her once more.  This time I pulled her closer, hugged her tighter, and waited longer.  After a few seconds I felt her whole body relax in my arms and when I released her she had a huge smile on her face.  In the five weeks I had ridden the bus with her to and from church I had never seen her smile.  But this wasn’t just a weak curve in her mouth; a wide grin broke across her face like a ray of sunshine piercing through the clouds on a stormy day.

We spent the remaining three minutes of the bus ride playing a game which she thoroughly enjoyed beating me at.  It was a simple game but it provided her with an escape; having momentarily been able to bring down the defences that who-knows-what had caused her to put them up in the first place.

As she left the bus, I opened my arms for a final hug and she leapt into them and gave me a good squeeze.

As I reflected on this experience, I was reminded of 1 Corinthians 13:1. It says, “If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.”  This young girl was not interested in anything I had to say because she had heard it all before. But when I softened my heart and approached her with love (instead of frustration or anger; emotions she was likely very familiar with) she was confronted with something different and her response changed also.

Though I easily communicated in English in New York (though not always with the desired effect), this verse has taken on a whole new meaning for me here in Germany. I often feel so ineffective and frustrated in my endeavours as I continue to battle with the language, but the Bible speaks of something far greater than words. We can talk, and declare, and announce until our voice breaks, but if our heart’s attitude does not reinforce our words, they will be fruitless. I may not speak the language well, but I can show love.

A smile.  A polite gesture.  An offer of hospitality or to help meet a need.  These are tokens of love recognised the world over.

So let’s all take a moment this week to consider: Where could I show love where words have previously failed me? How could I serve someone this week by showing love? What attitude needs to change in me in order for my heart to be softened?

Love is the universal language that everyone understands and a small act of love can make a big difference.  I didn’t know that young girl’s story.  I didn’t know what she faced at home.  I didn’t even know her name.  But I do know that a simple demonstration of love made a significant impact on her that day.

The Ache of Unrequited Love

I’m sure we’ve all been there at one time or another; we fall hopelessly for a man or woman who does not share the same feelings for us.  We lose time day-dreaming about them and imagining a life together, making all sorts of plans for the future, while they live their lives without us in it.

Or perhaps we are the recipients of such love; we enjoy the attention, the chase, flirting with the idea of commitment but never actually willing to enter into it.  Maybe we enjoy the ‘perks’ of the pursuit but run as soon as something is required of us in return.

To love someone demands something of us; the giving of ourselves for the benefit of the other person. It can be a wonderful thing to enter into with another person and share that respect, that care, that sacrifice with one another. That is why unrequited love is all the more painful, for we enter into it alone, never sure of any reciprocation.

And yet that is what we are called to do.

In 1 John 4:7-12, we read, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.”

God is only too familiar with unrequited love.  From the very beginning, He has loved every one of us; He has dreamt of a future with us; given of Himself to save us, protect us, and care for us.  He loves us, dotes on us, reaches out to us, and pursues us… and still we often show little interest in response.

We may appreciate His love when we reap the benefits, but we run away if He requires something of us or if something of the world seems more attractive to us. Perhaps we enjoy the gifts He gives us when they meet our own desires, but reject His good gifts of discipline, or sacrifice, or abstinence that benefit us the most.

God knows and understands the ache of unrequited love. He experiences it every single day as He lovingly pursues humanity and we respond selectively, selfishly, only when it suits us. Perhaps we lead Him on and enjoy the thrill of a new relationship, but flee as soon as things get difficult.

The Bible tells us that the Lord God is a jealous God.  He longs for us to renounce the idols we allow to come between Him and us; gods of comfort, and comparison, and marital status.  He desires for us to resist the expectations the world places on us and to commit fully to Him.

The early-20th Century evangelist, Oswald Chambers, said, “Get into the habit of saying, “Speak, Lord,” and life will become a romance.”  We all know that the foundation of any good relationship is communication, so rather than viewing our relationship with God as anything different, we can begin by inviting His presence into our lives and quietening our spirit enough to listen to the words of encouragement, and worth, and purpose that He delights in speaking over us.

When we truly know the love of God, we are free to love others, regardless of their response, because we are secure in the love of the Father. The love of Jesus is the most fulfilling, the most rewarding, the most steadfast love that we can receive and share with others. When we are consumed by His love, it overflows into the hearts of everyone around us and there is no room for the ache of unrequited love, for we are safe in the love of our Saviour.

So, no matter what our current relationship status is, let’s first sort out our relationship with The One who has loved us and pursued us and cherished us for millennia. Let’s not shrug off His advances or resist commitment, but give of ourselves to Him who gave us everything when He sent His Son to die on a wooden cross to save us from eternal death and separation from Him. He loves us so much, and the ache in His heart for us is real.

“We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)

 

The Ten Year Wait (Part 2): Still Waiting

In The Ten Year Wait I shared just some of the journey God has taken me on in the last 10+ years as I sought, and continue to seek, His perfect will & purpose for my life.

But throughout that journey, there has been a second wait; an often more painful and difficult one. Namely, the wait for a husband.

Just like many of my peers, I have always had a desire to be married and to raise a family. But, unlike many of my peers, I am still waiting to see that desire fulfilled.

As a teenager, I (for reasons I can no longer recall!) considered 24 years old as the ideal age to get married. I had it all planned out – it would give my husband & I a couple of years for us to settle into marriage then I’d pop out two or three kids before I hit the big 3-0.

But here I am – 30 years old and single. No boyfriend, no husband, and certainly no kids.

Yet I’m the happiest and most content I’ve ever been.

Here are just some of the lessons I’ve learned so far:

Closed doors are a blessing. Oh, so many closed doors! A couple of (short-lived) relationships, countless crushes and many, many tears later, I am unimaginably thankful for the way God has protected my heart and comforted me through the confusion, hurt and impatience of the past ten years. These experiences, though far from enjoyable at the time, have shaped me and guided me (often reluctantly!) and have played an essential part in this decade of waiting.

Single people should be encouraged, not pitied. I can’t begin to tell you how irritating it is to have well-meaning marrieds ask me why I’m still single or reassure me that it’ll be my turn next. Please don’t ‘label’ me or assume it’s the only thing on my mind! In the past it would take every ounce of me to reach a place of peace (not true contentment, but part-way there at least) about being single to then have someone else raise the issue with me and immediately knock my confidence and cause me to spiral back into insecurities again. The more others saw my singleness, the more I felt it. And it felt like inadequacy.

Marrieds, pray for singles – that they would find their spouse, by all means, but also that they would be content in the meantime – hang out with them, introduce them to others (without making it awkward, please!), encourage them in their walk with God, help them to identify and nurture their gifts, and don’t overlook or disregard them (whether unintentionally or not).

Use your time as a singleton well. You only get one chance at life so don’t sit around waiting for marriage (or a promotion, or a pay rise, or a baby, or whatever). Life doesn’t start when you get married, it started the day you were born. The longer you wait, the more time you waste. Jesus saved us so we could live an abundant life! Oh, how I wish I had applied this truth sooner.

Travel. Make memories. Buy that house, that car, that pet. Read books, delve into the Word of God, enjoy a range of hobbies. Become interesting. Then when you meet someone you like, you’ll have far more to talk about.

Everyone’s journey is unique.  Embrace your journey, don’t resent it. Don’t compare yourself to others. I’ve been there, believe me. I used to look at married friends thinking I needed to be more like them because clearly they were ‘marriage material’ and I was not. I thought I needed to be prettier, funnier, thinner, holier, more spontaneous, fun… the list goes on. But after many years I began to realise that God had a different purpose for me; a different path to walk, different challenges to face, different lessons to learn. And I found joy in the creativity of my Father and the one-of-a-kind story He writes for each one of us.

The desire for a spouse is a good desire. The Bible clearly states that it is good for a man and woman to be united in marriage. But many singles who express their desire for a spouse are, sometimes unfairly, labeled ‘desperate’. Don’t be ashamed of your desire for a spouse, but also be careful not to place that desire above your passion to worship and serve God.

Learn to be romanced by God. And this by far has been the best and most liberating lesson! To be loved, pursued and accepted by the Heavenly Father far exceeds anything an earthly spouse could ever offer. Only God can meet our deepest desires and needs – it would be unfair on our spouse to expect that from them – we must always seek Him to fill this void. And as we continue to draw closer to God, we are better equipped to enter into a loving, giving, serving earthly relationship when the time comes.

I continue to wait for my husband with great anticipation, trusting God to prepare us both and to unite us in His timing. But regardless of my marital status, my far greater desire is to know God more deeply and more intimately, serving Him and bringing Him glory in all that I do.